I am writing about love as it accounts for significant time spent with clients whether they are breaking up, dating, separating, divorcing, living together, engaged or getting married. What I find missing in most of these discussions is evidence of any clear guidance received at the start of adulthood that would have helped a person navigate this most powerful of emotions. There is extensive training offered to therapists in couples therapy and marriage counseling but no one seems concerned with helping clients select partners in the first place. It is assumed that everyone knew what they were doing when they got into a relationship and our job as a therapist is simply to help people through the bumpy waters which are inevitable in any long-term relationship. While I certainly ascribe to the approach that my client is the expert in their own life, I have come to understand that many of my clients were missing essential information needed to make decisions on love and romantic relationships. The reason for the deficit is often a lack of modeling of healthy relationships in their families of origin. This puts a person at a real disadvantage when they head out in the world looking for one of the most important aspects of life--finding a partner to share it with.

It can be a heady time in a person's life when they feel the power of sexual attraction and attractiveness for the first time. Sexuality and love are universally understood and respected as dangerous and powerful urges evidenced by all the rules that religion and society put in place to keep people in stable relationships and building intact families. Working against this are all the epic love stories from biblical times on about irresistible sexual attractions that broke apart kingdoms and started wars.  Today we hear terms like "twin flames" and "soulmates" and have front row seats through social media to celebrity coupling and uncoupling all in the name of romantic love.  If we take a less glamorous look at the human sex drive we might notice that procreation is right up there with eating and drinking and shelter as driving forces for all living organisms carrying genes. While it may be unpleasant to think that our hopes, dreams, and aspirations in love can be reduced to a cold evolutionary fact, doing so could save us much heartache and years of unhappiness and emotional and psychological pain. When we give sexual attraction meaning beyond its evolutionary purpose we are rolling the dice on one of the most critical decisions of our lives.

What place then does attraction have in the selection of our partners? A very important one.  Attraction is almost always the first step in finding our partners no matter what age we are.  The problem is that first step seems to be the only thing that many of us know how to take with any surety.  We make that jump from attraction, which is a valid measure of who we should start relationships with, to building a life with a person without having any idea that there are so many other criteria that must be in place to build a foundation of lasting partnership. We all seem to know attraction isn't enough and so we look for "signs" that we are meant to be with this person that have nothing at all to do with ensuring the type of compatibility that creates strong, lasting and satisfying relationships.

I am not suggesting that there is a failsafe formula for finding a partner. I do believe there is work we can do ahead of looking for a partner that can help us avoid conflict, disappointment and hurt down the road.  The work that I do with clients who select as a goal for therapy finding a healthy romantic relationship, is a deep and thoughtful examination of who they truly are and who they need their partner to be to complement them.  We cover non-starters, red flags, make a checklist for first dates, find the client's red flags, establish core values, set a timeline for relationship progression.  I work with clients on assertive communication skills to build confidence in having meaningful conversations directly and openly from the start to avoid wasting time with a person who was never going to be "the one." 

If you are suffering from anxiety and depression brought on by the failure of an important relationship and having a committed long-term relationship is intrinsic to your happiness then you might consider trying a new approach to understanding what is essential for you in relationship based specifically on your values, expectations, and needs.